Ganilau for FIRCA

Interim Prime Minister Voreqe Bainimarama today announced that Ratu Epeli Ganilau has been appointed as Chief Executive Officer of the Fiji Islands Revenue and Customs Authority. Chairman of the Public Service Commission Rishi Ram also confirmed the appointment. Mr Ram said "It is an honour to have such an excellent individual leading FIRCA. He will lead Fiji into a new era in tax collection and customs management".

Claims of nepotism and high level corruption have been levelled at the former Commander of the Republic of Fiji Military Forces. Interim Prime Minister Bainimarama scoffed the allegations saying "Who said that? I need to get Mara and the 3FIR on to this. I think the SDL are up to no good".

Mr Ram also dismissed the claims saying "Ratu Ganilau can handle his Fijian Affairs portfolio and this. We have got rid of the corruption associated with that guy Banuve. He has more SDL links than the vehicles bought by Mahen off Nivis."

In an exclusive interview with Fiji Nub News, the minimisation and streamling of procedures is behind the appointment. The newly appointed CEO mentioned that FIRCA and the NLTB are to be merged into one organisation. Ganilau said "Finally we can collect all revenues into one central organisation. It is now required by law to pay all taxes and leases in $50 bills".

The new requirement to pay all taxes in $50 bills has astounded many Fijians with many of the population suspecting corruption. But Ganilau remains unmoved. He said "Soon I can pay for all my activities. You know ones that the taxpayer needs to move Fiji forward". Fiji Nub News enquired about these required activities. Ganilau revealed "They are for my restaurant, transport, overseas travel, bake sale, church and brothel activities. As well as paying Ponipate Lesavua and Apakuki Kurusiga off to crucify those damn Taukei's". He also mentioned his hereditary right to everything that the NLTB and all other Fijian institutions took off him.

Fiji Nub News presented these allegations to the Interim Prime Minister. Bainimarama replied in a written press statement by saying "Ganilau has ushered a new age of transparency in FIRCA by announcing these changes. He is being upfront and honest about tax collection and the manner in which it will be spent". He concluded by saying the previous FIRCA CEO didn't even reveal what he would spend the money on despite not actually spending it.

The "$50 tax" decree is currently being finalised for promulgation by the President later this week.

Editorial: Absences and Intimidation

***As I write this Colonel's Pita Driti and Tevita Mara are holding 9mm handguns at my head***

The editor of this incredibly useless news service has returned after an extended stay at numerous RFMF barracks and Fiji Police prisons. I would like to say that I was treated very well by the RFMF and Teleni's 'boys and girls'. They fed me well, let my missus visit for conjugal purposes and extended the courtesy of human rights. I don't why I've been writing such guff against the Interim Government. They really are nice guys.

***This editorial has continued outside of my recent holiday and I believe the Military Council...I mean Interim Government is not snooping around***

Anyway back to business.

Since I have returned after my wretched couple of weeks in custody, I have learned of quite a bit of upheaval in Fiji. Strikes, counter strikes, counter counter strikes and the rest. When will it end? I suppose when the Interim Prime Minister gets his final paycheck which is apparently quite healthy looking.

I pay particular attention to the strikes by the nurses. The esteemed nurses of Fiji are responsible for looking after the sick and infirm. They have a tough job as it is and have specialist skills which cannot be replicated.

This leads me to believe this is all part of the 'militarisation' of Fiji. But what would make these soldiers most likely from the 3FIR don tiny little white nurses dresses and perform open heart surgery using M16's and bayonets. A secret desire to cross dress? I believe so. It has been well known of the desire by the military big wigs such as Bainimarama, Driti, Leweni (in particular) and Mara to wear white dresses and the hats with the little red cross.

But on to more important matters. What can Fiji do to get back to normality? Using the nurses as an example, a compromise can be reached. Fiji Nub News is also acting as a quasi negotiator in these troubling times. We have come up with a even compromise that I believe is fair.

Our view is that the nurses should not get their pay back. However in return for the permanent deduction of pay, the nurses are allowed to administer free colonoscopy's to members of the Interim Government for as long as they are in power. Oh and the kicker which we believe evens up the situation is no sedation and the nurses have compulsory power to request a colonoscopy off members of the Interim Government whenever necessary.

Fair. We think so.

Letters to the editor

This news service doesn't get much in the way of letters since we are probably the worst news organisation in the world.

But we did get an indignant letter from one "Nikhil Singh" from Sydney. Apparently he's a former journo from Fiji who found himself a nice Australian girl. His new missus also likes the Interim Prime Minister because he bought hotel prices down in Fiji to levels she could afford. A match made in heaven.

Anyway here we go.

Dear Fiji Nub News,

You corrupt, nepotistic fuckwits. Why do you like Qarase so much? I think I know. He paid your news service with some scam. I'm going to get Driti to rearrange your pretty faces before he becomes High Commissioner for Malaysia. Or the FICAC torture king, I mean Commissioner for FICAC. Depending on these bullshit attempts by human rights people to get him a raw deal. I mean come on, we should be able to make mistakes. Except Fijians and people like Qarase.

You should report something thats fair to all. Like how Mahen is god or how Bai pays me a nice commission to lobby over here in Australia. Those sort of things are good for Fiji. I reckon you should also hire me and I can help clean up your news service. I can write stories about how Bai will take Fiji to glory in the Rugby World Cup. Or how Major Neumi Leweni is just the best orator in the world. God I love that guy, he's such a doll.

Anyway my girlfriend and I are going to Fiji because the rates are so damn cheap. Just like me. Oh shit I wasn't supposed to write that. I'll make sure that gets deleted later.

Nikhil Singh
Sydney, Australia

Note: Fiji Nub News advises all letter writers and potential journalists not to write everything you think into a letter. It's just too much for some of us.

FICAC term disputed

The long standing Fiji Idiot Commission Amongst Crap (FICAC) is currently involved in a dispute with the Anti-Corruption unit due to a similar acronym. Their headquarters in Lautoka was raided yesterday by officers of the anti-corruption unit citing their use of the much vaunted acronym as a crime. The "Noone can mock FICAC decree" was reportedly promulgated just 30 minutes before the raid by President Ratu Josefa Iloilo.

Interim Minister for Anti-Corruption Aiyaz Sayed-Khaiyum has described the 30 year old independent commission as a thorn in the side of the Interim Government. He said "This commission is totally corrupt as their acronym is FICAC. Voreqe is always right, so how can these people hold these titles without formal authorisation from the Interim Government."

The head of the Idiot Commission, Professor I. Lyk Seks has hit back at the claims saying that his organisation has been upholding truth and justice against crap. Professor Seks said "We are firmly committed to our cause and will literally clean the crap up. Speaking of which, there seems to be quite a bit of it hanging around Government House."

Fiji Nub News has revealed the Idiot Commission has found damning evidence against the Interim Government using its tight knit group of spies and moles.

The spies have revealed that a 100 foot monument is to erected in Sukuna Park. It is a monument of the Interim Prime Minister in a Zeus like pose looking rather godly. The plaque for the statue is reported to say "RFMF is god". When presented with these allegations, Interim Prime Minister Voreqe Bainimarama scoffed at the allegations. He said "How can the plaque say the RFMF is god? I thought I was god." The worlds finest artisans have been contracted by the Interim Government to produce the statue out of solidified sugar which has been used instead of gold. This has been due to budget constraints and the Vatukoula mine having fuck all gold.

The second part of the revelations has been as a result of the moles which have been burrowing deep underneath Fiji finding juicy and tender pieces of information. The Idiot Commission has learned through numerous tunnelling expeditions that the current head of the Police crime division Nasir Ali has buried evidence pertaining to his allegations of corruption. There are documents which allege that Mr Ali used Police Credit Union funds for personal use. This includes the services of a young woman called "Sapphire", weight loss solutions and moustache grooming products. Mr Ali was confronted earlier on today with these allegations. This reporter was chased out of Police headquarters with the police's new crime fighting weapon. A Husqvarna 3120XP chainsaw meant for cleaning up overgrown trees due to Qarase's incompetent environmental policy amongst other things.

Confusion over stolen equipment

Confusion in the Interim Government has arisen over the apparent theft of computer equipment and a mobile phone from the Prime Minister's office.

The special police unit which consists of the entire Fiji Police Force has been on the case of the theft. All other cases including murder, armed robbery and assaults have been put on the shelf indefinitely. Commissioner of Fiji Police Esala Teleni said "The man has been released before the court to face justice and he'll probably be guilty because the SDL court case lawyer is representing him".

However, it is reported by numerous government officials that the equipment was not stolen and government departments have laid claim to taking the equiment. A spokesman from the Ministry of Finance issued a press statement to Fiji Nub News saying that the equipment had been taken and onsold to relieve pressure on "extremely tight Treasury funds". The Ministry for Fijian Affairs has reportedly done the same thing as the Ministry of Finance. They have allegedly received the payment in $50 bills. An insider reports that Ratu Epeli Ganilau has pocketed the proceeds in $50 bills for himself to pay for numerous extracurricular activities.

But the most damning evidence has been pulled off the computer by the pawn broker who was sold the computer. The webcam that was stolen was part of an elaborate scheme by the Interim Prime Minister to raise personal funds using taxpayer funded equipment. Fiji Nub News has learned that the Interim Prime Minister set up a porn website called "Frankie goes to Suva" where he performs strip teases for $1 a session. The site has reportedly not made any money from the scheme but it has cost the taxpayer at least $100,000 in setup and ongoing costs.

The equipment was later returned to the Prime Minister's office.

Clarifications, corrections and insights

Since everyone makes a mistake (except the glorious Interim Government), Fiji Nub News would like to make clarifications, corrections and insights on articles written previously.

If you have not read the articles yet, please read them first before reading the juicy goss in this post.

1) Mahendra Chaudhry said his mistresses were not part of sugar deal he offered this news service but were used to see if we were gullible enough to buy the sugar.

2) Shaista Shameem did not receive peroxide blonde hair dye for her support of the events on December 5 2006. Rather she received a taxpayer funded bundle of pink, baby blue and orange hair dye from a top Hollywood hair designer.

3) The parts for the new 'Rubber-band pistol' are estimated to cost a total of $100,000 from Lego Corporation. Motibhai-Lodhia Arms Incorporated are currently working on a price for the new guns. The price is reported to be fucking expensive.........we mean a rip-off.........sorry competitive.

4) The Regimental Funds account will not be used to purchase the cloning machine for the Interim Prime Minister. Interim Finance Minister Mahendra Chaudhry has diverted funds allocated to tourism for the purchase of the machine.

5) It is of note what the Interim Attorney-General was wearing during his 'hissy fit' at Government House earlier this week. Celebrity photographers and commentators noticed his eccentric dress sense. They noted his fashionable Billabong outfit which was a matching bikini, miniskirt and jandal ensemble.

Khaiyum: You legal thingys are corrupt

Interim Attorney-General Aiyaz Sayed-Khaiyum has accused the legal profession of being corrupt and spreading hate speech. He said this as prominent Fiji lawyer Graham Leung has been banned from leaving Fiji for alleged misrepresentation of the Interim Government abroad.

Mr Sayed-Khaiyum was seen throwing a 'hissy fit' in his office at Government House earlier this week over efforts by lawyers to stop unconstitutional and illegal appointments. He commented later by saying "these fake lawyers are thwarting my attempts at greatness. My sex life has been reduced to dust because of these people who have less legal knowledge than me". Mr Sayed-Khaiyum was further queried over whether he had a sex life before December 5. He immediately released a press statement saying this issue was before the courts and could no comment on it.

Fiji Nub News submitted several allegations to the Interim Attorney-General on the subject of the legality and constitutional basis of the events of December 5 onwards. All attempts ended in an epic fail with the automated response "The issue is before the courts and cannot be discussed at this stage". Insiders can reveal that Mr Sayed-Khaiyum has trained a taxpayer funded parrot to answer his phone and to repeat the message. The parrot which has been fondly nicknamed 'Voreqe' reportedly cost the taxpayer in excess of $1 million. On the streets of Suva, the general consensus is of utter bewilderment. One woman wondered whether the parrot is necessary given the current budget constraints. A biology student noted that parrots are a pest in some countries and whether the parrot has replaced another pest in the form of the Interim Attorney-General.

Fiji Nub News finally caught Mr Sayed-Khaiyum at Niranjans Motors while checking out a brand new Mazda6 with a government cheque in hand. He responded by saying "along with Tupou, your news organisation and those biology students will be charged with contempt. After I purchase my new car, I'm going to file papers because of these comments which I will not take lightly".

As this news article is being published, the Anti-Corruption Unit has raided the Biology faculty at the University of the South Pacific. Land Force Commander Colonel Pita Driti's Bart Simpson haircut has been seen around the campus rounding up Biology students doing weekend lab work.