Mahendra Chaudhry - The exclusive interview

Fiji Nub News has conducted an exclusive interview with the Interim Minister for Finance, National Planning and Sugar Industry. Thats right, an exclusive one-on-one interview with the "sweetest" man in Fiji, Mahendra Chaudhry.

FNN: Thank you for joining us Mr Chaudhry.

MC: Got any money there son?

FNN: Enough to get me home, but how much are you asking for?

MC: I need enough to keep the sugar farmers happy but I can't since Voreqe opened his big mouth and fucked it up with the EU. Also the coffers have run dry.

FNN: Alright, we might save that until the end of interview.

MC: No, please I'm desperate. Here's a tonne of sugar. How much will you pay for it? Anything, anything! I'll throw in my mistress(es) as a sweetener. Not to say our proud Fijian sugar isn't sweet.

FNN: This is going nowhere. First question, what has been the main objective of this coup?

MC: Well the "coup" is before the courts so I cannot discuss it. But however I can admit it was to remove those corrupt Qarase SDL people and all their associated trash. Pretty much all the successful Fijians as well because they impede the sugar industry.

FNN: What corruption has been discovered so far by the Interim Government?

MC: Everything. Finance is corrupt, Transport is corrupt, Fijian institutions are corrupt. Well you get my drift.

FNN: Where is the evidence?

MC: Don't need any. Just make some up if its too hard to find. Also if a Fijian is running it and they voted for the SDL, they are corrupt.

FNN: The army?

MC: Nah, they are all good. They are godsend, the saviour for Fiji.

FNN: But you just said...

MC: Voreqe is the saviour of Fiji. I have had a twist of destiny and its all thanks to him.

FNN: You just badmouthed him a few moments earlier.

MC: Oh yeah, he's my saviour. He's only there in the short run. Once I get the sugar industry, unions and my mistresses paid off, hes just old news. My son expects to be Fiji's next dictator, you know.

FNN: What has prompted you to critisise the Fijian media?

MC: They haven't reported anything positive about me. [**At this point, Mahen receives a call from Khaiyum asking if I'm being fair in my news reporting so far**]

FNN: Their qualms with your comments is that you are trying to shut down debate over a failing economy and a shortfall in government funds.

MC: Look you chodo, the economy is fine. We grew by over 50% in the last month and the sugar is still sweet. Corruption no longer exists and the Fijians are suffering. [**Mahen snickers**]

FNN: But the media is saying that your facts are inaccurate and you're just blaming all the problems on the previous SDL government.

MC: They were corrupt and their corruption lead to a bad economy. My facts are accurate. I get them from Voreqe and his army buddies. Statistical geniuses if you ask me.

FNN: Anyway, where do you see Fiji in 10 years time?

MC: A colony of India, powered by sugar.

FNN: What the fuck?

MC: You heard me. Voreqe plans to abrogate the constitution and join in union with India. It will be glorious, the mother country awaits me. A corruption free paradise is there. Also my choice of mistresses will by exponentially increased.

FNN: Some people reckon you are hypocritical by accepting a post in an illegal government but criticising everything about the last coup in Fiji.

MC: Of course its not hypocritical. I am Mahen. Mahen is always right. You see its not corruption for me to build my Suva Point house using taxpayers money. But it is for Qarase. In fact, anything he does is corruption.

FNN: How do you come to that conclusion?

MC: Because they were about to release important facts about how I'm corrupt. Pft, I'm not corrupt. I am Mahen. I can take anyones money.

FNN: Thank you for that insight into the current situation Mr Chaudhry.

MC: No problems. Do you know anyone who will buy my sugar? I'm fucking desperate. Here's a tonne on the house. Go tell your friends and family about my sugar. How am I going to pay for my taxpayer funded junkets overseas and child support for my illegitimate children?

FNN: No worries, I'll tell everyone.

MC: You better or get Voreqe to clean you up.

FNN: Was that a threat?

MC: That's it. I'm getting an audit team together, probably my son and some other FLP friends to clean you up. Then Nasir will take you to court and jail you. You SDL corrupt nepotistic journalist. You've benefitted from some sort of SDL scam, time for you to pay.

FNN: Don't do this.

MC: Yes I will. My sugar is so sweet biatch. Can't touch this.

FNN: Thank you Mahendra Chaudhry.

NOTE: At this point, he threw me out of his office. He proceeded to call the EU to plead for more time and money. He offered a mistress and several tonnes of free sugar to the head of the EU Commission.