Letters to the editor

This news service doesn't get much in the way of letters since we are probably the worst news organisation in the world.

But we did get an indignant letter from one "Nikhil Singh" from Sydney. Apparently he's a former journo from Fiji who found himself a nice Australian girl. His new missus also likes the Interim Prime Minister because he bought hotel prices down in Fiji to levels she could afford. A match made in heaven.

Anyway here we go.

Dear Fiji Nub News,

You corrupt, nepotistic fuckwits. Why do you like Qarase so much? I think I know. He paid your news service with some scam. I'm going to get Driti to rearrange your pretty faces before he becomes High Commissioner for Malaysia. Or the FICAC torture king, I mean Commissioner for FICAC. Depending on these bullshit attempts by human rights people to get him a raw deal. I mean come on, we should be able to make mistakes. Except Fijians and people like Qarase.

You should report something thats fair to all. Like how Mahen is god or how Bai pays me a nice commission to lobby over here in Australia. Those sort of things are good for Fiji. I reckon you should also hire me and I can help clean up your news service. I can write stories about how Bai will take Fiji to glory in the Rugby World Cup. Or how Major Neumi Leweni is just the best orator in the world. God I love that guy, he's such a doll.

Anyway my girlfriend and I are going to Fiji because the rates are so damn cheap. Just like me. Oh shit I wasn't supposed to write that. I'll make sure that gets deleted later.

Nikhil Singh
Sydney, Australia

Note: Fiji Nub News advises all letter writers and potential journalists not to write everything you think into a letter. It's just too much for some of us.

FICAC term disputed

The long standing Fiji Idiot Commission Amongst Crap (FICAC) is currently involved in a dispute with the Anti-Corruption unit due to a similar acronym. Their headquarters in Lautoka was raided yesterday by officers of the anti-corruption unit citing their use of the much vaunted acronym as a crime. The "Noone can mock FICAC decree" was reportedly promulgated just 30 minutes before the raid by President Ratu Josefa Iloilo.

Interim Minister for Anti-Corruption Aiyaz Sayed-Khaiyum has described the 30 year old independent commission as a thorn in the side of the Interim Government. He said "This commission is totally corrupt as their acronym is FICAC. Voreqe is always right, so how can these people hold these titles without formal authorisation from the Interim Government."

The head of the Idiot Commission, Professor I. Lyk Seks has hit back at the claims saying that his organisation has been upholding truth and justice against crap. Professor Seks said "We are firmly committed to our cause and will literally clean the crap up. Speaking of which, there seems to be quite a bit of it hanging around Government House."

Fiji Nub News has revealed the Idiot Commission has found damning evidence against the Interim Government using its tight knit group of spies and moles.

The spies have revealed that a 100 foot monument is to erected in Sukuna Park. It is a monument of the Interim Prime Minister in a Zeus like pose looking rather godly. The plaque for the statue is reported to say "RFMF is god". When presented with these allegations, Interim Prime Minister Voreqe Bainimarama scoffed at the allegations. He said "How can the plaque say the RFMF is god? I thought I was god." The worlds finest artisans have been contracted by the Interim Government to produce the statue out of solidified sugar which has been used instead of gold. This has been due to budget constraints and the Vatukoula mine having fuck all gold.

The second part of the revelations has been as a result of the moles which have been burrowing deep underneath Fiji finding juicy and tender pieces of information. The Idiot Commission has learned through numerous tunnelling expeditions that the current head of the Police crime division Nasir Ali has buried evidence pertaining to his allegations of corruption. There are documents which allege that Mr Ali used Police Credit Union funds for personal use. This includes the services of a young woman called "Sapphire", weight loss solutions and moustache grooming products. Mr Ali was confronted earlier on today with these allegations. This reporter was chased out of Police headquarters with the police's new crime fighting weapon. A Husqvarna 3120XP chainsaw meant for cleaning up overgrown trees due to Qarase's incompetent environmental policy amongst other things.

Confusion over stolen equipment

Confusion in the Interim Government has arisen over the apparent theft of computer equipment and a mobile phone from the Prime Minister's office.

The special police unit which consists of the entire Fiji Police Force has been on the case of the theft. All other cases including murder, armed robbery and assaults have been put on the shelf indefinitely. Commissioner of Fiji Police Esala Teleni said "The man has been released before the court to face justice and he'll probably be guilty because the SDL court case lawyer is representing him".

However, it is reported by numerous government officials that the equipment was not stolen and government departments have laid claim to taking the equiment. A spokesman from the Ministry of Finance issued a press statement to Fiji Nub News saying that the equipment had been taken and onsold to relieve pressure on "extremely tight Treasury funds". The Ministry for Fijian Affairs has reportedly done the same thing as the Ministry of Finance. They have allegedly received the payment in $50 bills. An insider reports that Ratu Epeli Ganilau has pocketed the proceeds in $50 bills for himself to pay for numerous extracurricular activities.

But the most damning evidence has been pulled off the computer by the pawn broker who was sold the computer. The webcam that was stolen was part of an elaborate scheme by the Interim Prime Minister to raise personal funds using taxpayer funded equipment. Fiji Nub News has learned that the Interim Prime Minister set up a porn website called "Frankie goes to Suva" where he performs strip teases for $1 a session. The site has reportedly not made any money from the scheme but it has cost the taxpayer at least $100,000 in setup and ongoing costs.

The equipment was later returned to the Prime Minister's office.

Clarifications, corrections and insights

Since everyone makes a mistake (except the glorious Interim Government), Fiji Nub News would like to make clarifications, corrections and insights on articles written previously.

If you have not read the articles yet, please read them first before reading the juicy goss in this post.

1) Mahendra Chaudhry said his mistresses were not part of sugar deal he offered this news service but were used to see if we were gullible enough to buy the sugar.

2) Shaista Shameem did not receive peroxide blonde hair dye for her support of the events on December 5 2006. Rather she received a taxpayer funded bundle of pink, baby blue and orange hair dye from a top Hollywood hair designer.

3) The parts for the new 'Rubber-band pistol' are estimated to cost a total of $100,000 from Lego Corporation. Motibhai-Lodhia Arms Incorporated are currently working on a price for the new guns. The price is reported to be fucking expensive.........we mean a rip-off.........sorry competitive.

4) The Regimental Funds account will not be used to purchase the cloning machine for the Interim Prime Minister. Interim Finance Minister Mahendra Chaudhry has diverted funds allocated to tourism for the purchase of the machine.

5) It is of note what the Interim Attorney-General was wearing during his 'hissy fit' at Government House earlier this week. Celebrity photographers and commentators noticed his eccentric dress sense. They noted his fashionable Billabong outfit which was a matching bikini, miniskirt and jandal ensemble.

Khaiyum: You legal thingys are corrupt

Interim Attorney-General Aiyaz Sayed-Khaiyum has accused the legal profession of being corrupt and spreading hate speech. He said this as prominent Fiji lawyer Graham Leung has been banned from leaving Fiji for alleged misrepresentation of the Interim Government abroad.

Mr Sayed-Khaiyum was seen throwing a 'hissy fit' in his office at Government House earlier this week over efforts by lawyers to stop unconstitutional and illegal appointments. He commented later by saying "these fake lawyers are thwarting my attempts at greatness. My sex life has been reduced to dust because of these people who have less legal knowledge than me". Mr Sayed-Khaiyum was further queried over whether he had a sex life before December 5. He immediately released a press statement saying this issue was before the courts and could no comment on it.

Fiji Nub News submitted several allegations to the Interim Attorney-General on the subject of the legality and constitutional basis of the events of December 5 onwards. All attempts ended in an epic fail with the automated response "The issue is before the courts and cannot be discussed at this stage". Insiders can reveal that Mr Sayed-Khaiyum has trained a taxpayer funded parrot to answer his phone and to repeat the message. The parrot which has been fondly nicknamed 'Voreqe' reportedly cost the taxpayer in excess of $1 million. On the streets of Suva, the general consensus is of utter bewilderment. One woman wondered whether the parrot is necessary given the current budget constraints. A biology student noted that parrots are a pest in some countries and whether the parrot has replaced another pest in the form of the Interim Attorney-General.

Fiji Nub News finally caught Mr Sayed-Khaiyum at Niranjans Motors while checking out a brand new Mazda6 with a government cheque in hand. He responded by saying "along with Tupou, your news organisation and those biology students will be charged with contempt. After I purchase my new car, I'm going to file papers because of these comments which I will not take lightly".

As this news article is being published, the Anti-Corruption Unit has raided the Biology faculty at the University of the South Pacific. Land Force Commander Colonel Pita Driti's Bart Simpson haircut has been seen around the campus rounding up Biology students doing weekend lab work.

Interim Government cleans up Fiji Rugby

Interim Prime Minister Voreqe Bainimarama has accused Fijian Rugby of being corrupt and SDLlike in its operations. He has instigated a clean up of the Fiji Rugby Union and all the teams playing in provincial Fijian competitions.

Bainimarama has cited a failure to perform as the main reason behind the clean up. He said "Fiji Rugby has been put on notice for a while and now is time to act. It is imperative that we remove the undesirable elements of Fijian rugby and we have directed the Anti-Corruption unit to investigate".

As of 5pm this afternoon, all Fiji Rugby Union board members and any affiliated players have been sent termination notices and have been asked to vacate the premises. To make up for the shortfall of staff and players, military and incredibly unqualified people have been asked to step in and fill the vital positions.

The board has been reappointed with Major Neumi Leweni as chairman of the board despite being made Defence Attache to China. Major Leweni said "I am being aaaahhhh seconded to aaaahhhh the position. I can maintain aaaahhhh my chairman position aaaahhhh despite being aaaahhhh in China. Other new board appointees include Commodore Esala Teleni and Ratu Epeli Ganilau. Ganilau was thrilled the news of being appointed as a board member saying "It's great that they are paying me in $50 bills. Makes life a lot easier for me".

But the Fijian rugby team to go to the World Cup in France remains a mystery. Fiji Nub News has learned the Interim Prime Minister will captain the team on their quest for World Cup glory. Bainimarama said in a press conference "To make sure the Fiji rugby captaincy remains corruption and nepotism free, I will be captain of the team".

Insider sources have revealed that the Regimental Funds account has been used to buy a cloning device to clone the Commander so he can play all the 15 positions and 7 substitutions. In response to these allegations, Bainimarama angrily noted "Qarase has been spreading rumours and untruths about me. If thats the case, there will be no election or democracy. I will single handedly play for Fiji and no one will stop me. Including those unhelpful neighbours the All Blacks.

Budgetary constraints hit RFMF

The dire situation regarding the state of the Treasury finances in Fiji has hit even the Republic of Fiji Military Forces.

The current armory maintained by the RFMF has been deemed by the Interim Minister for Finance Mahendra Chaudhry as too expensive to maintain. He said "We need to find alternative weapons to the current ones because they are a drain on a tight budget". He clarified the budgetary strain as being entirely the fault of the ousted SDL government of Laisenia Qarase.

Fiji Nub News has learned that the Interim Government has engaged in a private tender process to obtain firearms from the Lego Corporation. The 'Rubber Band Pistol' (shown above) will be exclusively produced in Fiji by a new company called Motibhai-Lodhia Arms Incorporated which has been given a generous government grant and tax breaks.

Interim Prime Minister Voreqe Bainimarama has hailed the new Fijian built pistol as a step in moving Fiji and her armed forces forward. He said "This new pistol will show to Fiji and the world that we can move forward ourselves and use state-of-the-art technology. Our neighbours in New Zealand and Australia may have their frigates and destroyers but we have our new pistols". Bainimarama also mentioned that any opposition in Fiji will be met with the full force of the higher caliber Lego round which will ensures that his clean up campaign succeeds.

It has been revealed that the enlisted men of the RFMF have been unhappy with the performance of the new 'Rubber Band Pistol' saying that it does not perform as well as the M-16 rifle. Two insider sources have also said that the new pistol is not as durable as previous weapons and this decision is as bad as the actions during the coup when Commander Bainimarama told his troops to patrol with no ammunition and magazines in their rifles.

Barbie dolls outlawed in Fiji by decree

Fiji Nub News has obtained information regarding the Interim Government's attempt to ban the Barbie doll in Fiji. The decree to be signed by President Ratu Josefa Iloilo is expected to be put into 'law' in the next week.

The Commissioner for Human Rights in Fiji Shaista Shameem has backed the ban on the doll. She has told Fiji Nub News that the general populace of Fiji has confused her peroxide blonde head with that of the doll.

Shameem noted that "Confusion has arisen between this doll and myself. People have been referring to me as a 'plastic fantastic blonde bimbo doll with little intelligence and even worse fashion sense'". She notes that once this new decree has been promulgated, it will be illegal to compare her to Barbie.

Shameem said "Anyone who tries to make a comparison or even uses the word Barbie within 15 words in a paragraph to my name will be subject to the full extent of the law". She goes on to say that "I will file a lawsuit against anyone who tries to".

Fiji Nub News has submitted to the Comissioner that she is using this non-issue to deflect criticism on the lax progress of prosecutions of Fijians murdered by the security forces. Her comment was obtained while stopping her brand new privately licenced government purchased 4 wheel drive. Shameem comments "I have not received complaints on these issues so far but the current situation regarding the Barbie doll has great human rights implications".

Meanwhile allegations against Shameem continue including one that is to suggest that she obtained peroxide blonde dye free of charge in return for supporting the events of December 5 2006. Her office has released a press statement saying that the matter is before the courts and cannot be commented on.

Mahendra Chaudhry - The exclusive interview

Fiji Nub News has conducted an exclusive interview with the Interim Minister for Finance, National Planning and Sugar Industry. Thats right, an exclusive one-on-one interview with the "sweetest" man in Fiji, Mahendra Chaudhry.

FNN: Thank you for joining us Mr Chaudhry.

MC: Got any money there son?

FNN: Enough to get me home, but how much are you asking for?

MC: I need enough to keep the sugar farmers happy but I can't since Voreqe opened his big mouth and fucked it up with the EU. Also the coffers have run dry.

FNN: Alright, we might save that until the end of interview.

MC: No, please I'm desperate. Here's a tonne of sugar. How much will you pay for it? Anything, anything! I'll throw in my mistress(es) as a sweetener. Not to say our proud Fijian sugar isn't sweet.

FNN: This is going nowhere. First question, what has been the main objective of this coup?

MC: Well the "coup" is before the courts so I cannot discuss it. But however I can admit it was to remove those corrupt Qarase SDL people and all their associated trash. Pretty much all the successful Fijians as well because they impede the sugar industry.

FNN: What corruption has been discovered so far by the Interim Government?

MC: Everything. Finance is corrupt, Transport is corrupt, Fijian institutions are corrupt. Well you get my drift.

FNN: Where is the evidence?

MC: Don't need any. Just make some up if its too hard to find. Also if a Fijian is running it and they voted for the SDL, they are corrupt.

FNN: The army?

MC: Nah, they are all good. They are godsend, the saviour for Fiji.

FNN: But you just said...

MC: Voreqe is the saviour of Fiji. I have had a twist of destiny and its all thanks to him.

FNN: You just badmouthed him a few moments earlier.

MC: Oh yeah, he's my saviour. He's only there in the short run. Once I get the sugar industry, unions and my mistresses paid off, hes just old news. My son expects to be Fiji's next dictator, you know.

FNN: What has prompted you to critisise the Fijian media?

MC: They haven't reported anything positive about me. [**At this point, Mahen receives a call from Khaiyum asking if I'm being fair in my news reporting so far**]

FNN: Their qualms with your comments is that you are trying to shut down debate over a failing economy and a shortfall in government funds.

MC: Look you chodo, the economy is fine. We grew by over 50% in the last month and the sugar is still sweet. Corruption no longer exists and the Fijians are suffering. [**Mahen snickers**]

FNN: But the media is saying that your facts are inaccurate and you're just blaming all the problems on the previous SDL government.

MC: They were corrupt and their corruption lead to a bad economy. My facts are accurate. I get them from Voreqe and his army buddies. Statistical geniuses if you ask me.

FNN: Anyway, where do you see Fiji in 10 years time?

MC: A colony of India, powered by sugar.

FNN: What the fuck?

MC: You heard me. Voreqe plans to abrogate the constitution and join in union with India. It will be glorious, the mother country awaits me. A corruption free paradise is there. Also my choice of mistresses will by exponentially increased.

FNN: Some people reckon you are hypocritical by accepting a post in an illegal government but criticising everything about the last coup in Fiji.

MC: Of course its not hypocritical. I am Mahen. Mahen is always right. You see its not corruption for me to build my Suva Point house using taxpayers money. But it is for Qarase. In fact, anything he does is corruption.

FNN: How do you come to that conclusion?

MC: Because they were about to release important facts about how I'm corrupt. Pft, I'm not corrupt. I am Mahen. I can take anyones money.

FNN: Thank you for that insight into the current situation Mr Chaudhry.

MC: No problems. Do you know anyone who will buy my sugar? I'm fucking desperate. Here's a tonne on the house. Go tell your friends and family about my sugar. How am I going to pay for my taxpayer funded junkets overseas and child support for my illegitimate children?

FNN: No worries, I'll tell everyone.

MC: You better or get Voreqe to clean you up.

FNN: Was that a threat?

MC: That's it. I'm getting an audit team together, probably my son and some other FLP friends to clean you up. Then Nasir will take you to court and jail you. You SDL corrupt nepotistic journalist. You've benefitted from some sort of SDL scam, time for you to pay.

FNN: Don't do this.

MC: Yes I will. My sugar is so sweet biatch. Can't touch this.

FNN: Thank you Mahendra Chaudhry.

NOTE: At this point, he threw me out of his office. He proceeded to call the EU to plead for more time and money. He offered a mistress and several tonnes of free sugar to the head of the EU Commission.

Welcome to Fiji Nub News!

I am so privileged to make this my first journalistic foray into Fiji.

This blog or "house of reputable news" will be a Christmas hamper of tasty interviews and updates from Fiji and its wonderful ruling family.

I mean dictator. Oh shit. I mean wanker. Fuck. I mean glorious leader. Phew, saved a trip to barracks.

Anyway, the first interview with a member of the Interim Government will be up here faster than a government board axing.